"Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time !!!!!!!"
Hillbilly Jokes August
Speaking of Diets
Next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a** and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The lady behind him was crying as she laughed.
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of around in! his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset ! the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Boy says "It's a pussy willow. Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
SOMEONE IS DAMN-SURE GONNA DIE!
When I get out!
No sir officer, we've just been fishing...
2,000 HP Outboard Inflatable...
Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe...
This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft, they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it. Drugs were found on board. Of course, you'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this rig.
The Three Stages Of A Man's Life
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said'. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?' This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ' The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN
THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH
& HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY
GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE
IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND,
CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?
HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
ARE YOU WEARING THAT?
WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!
WOW! LOOK AT YOU!
HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?
COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?
HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.
HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.
CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?
HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.
WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE WINE.
12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR: 1. PASS MY SHOTGUN 2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING 3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE 4. PUFFY MID-SECTION 5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK 6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS 7. PARDON MY SOBBING 8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE 9. PASS MY SWEATS 10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME 11. PACK MY STUFF & MY FAVORITE ONE 12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR HORMONAL FRIENDS & THOSE WHO MIGHT NEED A GOOD LAUGH!! ...OR MEN WHO MAY NEED WARNING!!
& REMEMBER: MONEY TALKS..... BUT CHOCOLATE ROCKS!!
VINTON, La. -- Police were surprized when a driver wearing only a towel got out of a car, then got back in and sped off. They were stunned when the car hit a tree and disgorged 20 naked people.
"The Lord told them to get rid of their belongings and go to Louisiana. So they did, plus the license plate off their car adn came to our gorgeous state," Vinto Police Chief Dennis Drouillard said.
All 20 were from Floydada, Texas, about 550 miles from the southwest Louisiana town of Vinton.
Driver Sammy Rodriguez and his brother, Danny, both said they were Pentecostal preachers, Drouillard said.
Floydada Police Chief James Hale said he had been looking for the Rodriguez family since Tuesday night, when relatives reported them missing.
The family left six cars, abandoning one in Lubbock and a second in San Angelo and a third in Galveston, along with clothes, pocketbooks, wallets and other belongings.
The chase in Vinton began after a campground owner called police. A Calcasieu Parish deputy stopped their car, and a man wearing only a towel got out.
"When the officer went to ask what was going on, he jumped back in and took off," Drouillard said.
They sped down Vinton's main street until the car hit a tree. Fifteen adults, as old as age 63, piled out of the 1990 Pontiac. Five children, as young as 1 year old, were in the trunk.
The car was totaled, but the injuries all were minor, Drouillard said. "I guess when you're packed in that tight, there's not much room to move around."
Rodriguez was booked with reckless driving, flight from an officer, property damage adn several minor traffic violations, he said. He was kep in custody.
Authorities said the entire group was released into the custody of a Baptist church nearby, where they awaited relatives.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon.'
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me take you to lunch so I can tell you about
Not All Seniors Are Senile!!!
Official Democrat Party campaign car designed exactly the way Obama lays out his message
'A NEW DIRECTION'
You figure it out. I have a headache
Hillbilly Jokes June
Click below to check out all our videos for free at
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote...
Hillbilly Jokes March
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks
down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother
thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play
my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can.You know
I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior
agreed. 'So I
take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I
the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior,
'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole
monster, 520 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden
green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.The
swing I ever made.And it's flying straight and true, right
the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100
off the tee!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.'How
surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I
trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of
woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!'
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.'And I
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether
this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and
grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with
a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister,
'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel
started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on
green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about
inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her
across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and
'You missed the f@cking putt, didn't you?'
wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in
Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell, Killer , along for the company.
One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering
about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the intention of having lunch.
The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo
now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back
to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was
close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So,
off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after
the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?",
but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to
his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just
when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard !
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always
overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come
with age and experience.
Hillbilly Jokes November
argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. -Anonymous
WHEN IT IS OKAY TO SAY A BAD WORD
You Might be a Hillbilly if...
A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing
You need fashion tips from your husband...
You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture
Your wedding picture looked like this...
And your wedding cake looked like this...
Yo ur mailbox looks like this...
Your doghouse looks like this...
Your pickup looks like this...
You have a deer's butt for a door bell...
You don't need a lake to do a little skiing...
Or if your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...
THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!
This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures.
The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and2X4's are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains - are you ready for this? - 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.
And these people VOTE!!! (This explains a lot about the state of the country...............)
We're off to see the Wizard!
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City...
...and went to find the Great Wizard
"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:
"I've come for some courage."
" No Problem!said the Wizard. Who's next?"
Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:
"Well, I think I need a heart"
"Done! says the Wizard."
"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"
Up stepped Bush and said,
"The American people say that I need a brain."
"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do youwant?"
"IS DOROTHY HERE?"
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell
her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into
trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought
she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why
she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps
to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be
a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her
mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had
worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the
Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down
the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and
sat down and wrote her letter to God.
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
YOU KNOW WHO
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1.If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them...
Daily Thought:SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in human kindness.
The letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Faculty and Students,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said f@ck you.
Thank you for that opportunity.
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
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